HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD
How do you keep a 1-year-old from heading toward the VCR? What should you do when your preschooler
throws a fit?  How can you get your adolescent to respect your authority?  Find out here how to
vary your approach to discipline to best fit your family.

Whatever the age of your child, it’s important to be consistent in disciplining your child.  If you
don’t stick to the rules and consequences that you set up, your child isn’t likely to either.

Ages 0 to 2
Knowing that babies and toddlers are naturally curious, it’s a good idea to eliminate any
temptations for your young child to act out. Keep your young child’s environment relatively free of
no-no’s – items such as VCRs, stereos, jewelry, and especially cleaning supplies and medications
should be kept well out of his reach. When your crawling baby or roving toddler heads toward an
unacceptable or dangerous play object, calmly say, “No,” and redirect your child by either removing
him or her from
the area or engaging your child’s attention with an appropriate activity.

Timeouts can be effective discipline for toddlers.  A child who has been hitting, biting, or
throwing food, for example, should be told why that behavior is unacceptable and taken to a
designated timeout area – a kitchen chair or bottom stair – for a minute or two to calm down
(longer timeouts are not effective for toddlers).

It’s important to not spank, hit, or slap a child of any age.  Babies and toddlers are especially
unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment.  They
will only feel the pain of the hit.

And don’t forget, kids learn by watching adults, particularly their parents.  Make sure your
behavior is role-model material.  You will make a much stronger impact on your child if he sees you
putting your belongings away, too, rather than if you just tell him or her to pick up the toys
while you leave your stuff strewn across the kitchen counter.

Ages 3 to 5
As your child grows and can begin to understand the connection between actions and consequences,
make sure you begin to communicate the rules of your family’s home.  It’s important to explain to
kids what you expect of them before you punish them for a certain behavior.  For instance, the
first time your 3-year-old uses crayons to decorate the living room wall, you should discuss why
that is not allowed and what will happen if your child does this again.  Explain to your child that
he or she will have to help clean the wall and will not be able to use the crayons for the rest of
the afternoon.  If
your child draws on the walls again a few days later, it’s a good idea to remind your child that
crayons
are for paper only and then enforce the consequences.

The earlier parents can set up this kind of “I set the rules and you’re expected to listen or
accept the consequences,” the better for everyone.  Although it’s sometimes easier for parents to
ignore occasional bad behavior or fail to follow through on some threatened punishment, this risks
setting a bad precedent. Consistency is the key to effective discipline.  It’s important for
parents to decide together what the rules are and then be consistent in upholding them.

At the same time you become clear on what behaviors will be punished, don’t forget to reward good
behaviors. And don’t underestimate the positive effect that your praise can have on your
child. Discipline is not just about punishment.  Parents need to remember to recognize good
behavior. For example, you could say, “I’m proud of you for sharing your toys at playgroup.”  This
is usually

more effective than punishing a child for the opposite behavior – not sharing. And be specific when
praising your child; don’t just say, “Good job!”

If your child is displaying an unacceptable behavior that just won’t go away no matter what you do,
consider setting up a chart system. Put up a chart with a box for each day of the week on the
refrigerator and decide how many chances you’ll give your child to display the unacceptable
behavior before some punishment kicks in or how long the proper behavior must be displayed before
it is rewarded. Then simply keep track by monitoring on a daily basis. This will give your child
(and you) a concrete look at how he or she doing. Once this begins to work, don’t forget to praise
your child for learning to control misbehavior (see bottom of article for additional information on
controlling misbehavior) and especially for overcoming any stubborn problem.

Timeouts also can work well for children at this stage. Establish a suitable timeout place that is
free of distractions and will force your child to think about how he or she has behaved. Remember,
getting sent to your room may have meant something in the days before computers, TVs, and video
games were stored there. Don’t forget to consider the length of time that will best suit your
child. Experts say
1 minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb to follow; others recommend using the timeout
until the child is calmed down (to teach self-regulation).

It’s important to tell your child what the right thing to do is, not just to tell your child what
not to do. For example, instead of telling your child: “Don’t jump on the couch,” you may want to
say: “Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor.”

Ages 6 to 8
Timeouts and consequences are also effective discipline strategies with this age group.

Again, consistency is crucial, as is following through. Make good on any promises of discipline or
else you will risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say.
This is not to say you can’t give second chances or allow your child a certain margin of error, but
for the most part, you should follow through with what you say.

Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment (“Slam that door and you’ll never watch TV
again!”) in anger, since not following through could weaken all your threats. If you threaten to
turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn’t stop, make sure you do
exactly that. The lost day at the beach is much less valuable than the credibility you’ll gain with
your kids.

Huge punishments may take away your power as a parent. If you ground your son or daughter for a
month, your child may not feel motivated to change his or her behavior because everything has
already been taken away.

Ages 9 to 12
Kids in this age group – just as with all ages – can be disciplined with natural consequences. As
they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the
consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.

For example, if your fifth grader has not done his or her homework before bedtime, should you make
him or her stay up or help him finish? Probably not, since you’ll be missing an opportunity to
teach your child something about life. If he or she doesn’t do homework earlier, your child will go
to school without it the next day and suffer the resulting bad grade.

It’s natural for you to want to rescue your child from any mistakes, but in the long run you’ll be
doing your child more of a favor if you let him or her fail sometimes. Your child will see what
behaving
improperly can mean, and will probably not make those mistakes again. However, if your child does
not seem to be learning from natural consequences, you should set up your own consequences to help
him modify his behavior more effectively.

Ages 13 and Up
By now you’ve laid the groundwork. Your child knows what’s expected of him or her and knows that
you mean what you say about the consequences of bad behavior. Don’t let down your guard now -
discipline is just as important for teens as it is for younger children. Just like the 4-year-old
who needs you to set a bedtime and stick to it, no matter how much he or she whines, your teen
needs to know
boundaries, too.

Make sure to set up rules regarding homework, visits by friends, curfews, and dating and discuss
them beforehand with your teenager so there will be no misunderstandings. Your teen, although he or
she will probably complain from time to time, will realize that you are in control. Believe it or
not, teens still want and need you to set limits and enforce order in their lives, even as you
grant them greater freedom and responsibility.

When your teen does break a rule, taking away privileges may seem to be the best plan of action.
While it’s fine to take away the car for a week, for example, be sure to discuss with your child
why coming home an hour past curfew is unacceptable and worrisome.

It’s also important to give a teenager some control over life. Not only will this limit the number
of power struggles you may have, it will help your teen to respect the decisions you must make for
him or her. With a younger teen, you could allow him or her to make his or her own decisions
concerning school clothes, hair styles, or even the condition of his or her room. As your teen gets
older, that realm of control might be extended to include an occasional relaxed curfew.

It’s also important to focus on the positives. For example, have your child earn a later curfew by
demonstrating positive behavior, rather than giving your teen an earlier curfew as punishment for
irresponsible behavior.

A Word About Spanking
There is perhaps no more controversial form of discipline than spanking. Here are some reasons why
the American Academy of Pediatrics encourages parents to avoid spanking:

•    Spanking teaches children that it’s OK to hit when they’re angry.
•    Spanking can physically harm children.
•    Rather than teaching children how to change their behavior, spanking makes them fearful of
their parents and teaches them merely to avoid getting caught.
•    In the case of children who are looking for attention by acting out, spanking may
inadvertently
“reward” children by giving them attention – negative attention is better than no attention at all.

source: http://www.ct.gov/dcf/lib/dcf/child_welfare_services/pdf/misbehavior.pdf

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